They always do. In one way or another things are changing and most of the time you can do nothing about it.
Change can be good.
Change can be amazing.
Change can be exhilarating, like the edge of a drop on a roller coaster.
But change can also hurt.
Like a knife.
In the last couple of years I have been in a season of big change. I felt embarrassed admitting that before. Like, "Hello, of course things are changing. They do for everyone." But it's nothing to be embarrassed about. A lot changed really quickly. Marriage was big. Moving out of my parents house was big. Starting new jobs was big. Getting pregnant was big. Having a baby was big. And while they are all perfectly normal, beautiful things, they were big for me. I really struggled to not drown in the sea of change that was swirling around me.
In the midst of all that was going on I found myself looking back much of the time. Looking back on friendships. Looking back on single life. Looking back on freedom from my baby. Looking back on things that were good. Most of the time though it was friendships.
I hated looking back and seeing how friendships had changed and yet, I couldn't seem to stop. They were memories. Precious memories. But as I kept going back to them I found myself becoming angry and bitter with some while desperately missing others. I felt myself becoming needy and self absorbed and while it is not wrong to be needy and to crave friendship, I used that neediness to feed bitterness rather than love. I spent hours thinking about how those dearest to me were so far away and how those nearby had moved on without me. My mind was a torture room and I was frustrated.
Isn't it amazing how when we keep our eyes focused inward we miss so much of what is around us? Our eyes see people but our hearts see abandonment. Flowers bloom but all we see is work or weeds. Food is served but all we see are piles of dishes. Wet chubby faced kisses are given but all we feel is slime to be wiped away.
Have you ever been there?
It's not like we don't want people, or desire to see beauty, or hunger for food, or love those little ones. But everything lessens when our hearts are unsatisfied and are longing for the good in the past or even the good of the future. The good here and now becomes less real. Less beautiful. Less good.
But loneliness is still real.
Sadness over friendships lost is still real.
Heartbreak is still real.
Distance is still real.
So what then. How do we learn to live in these present joys? How do we get past the hurts, pain, and loneliness that can come with life's changes.
That was the question I was wondering just a couple of weeks ago when someone dear to me read me these verses. I wrote them out and have had them hanging around my house since to remind me of the truth in the words.
The person who read my those verses encouraged me to look back on those days full of deep friendships and closeness with joy and gratitude! Those were good days! Those friendships were rich! The ability to go wherever, whenever made it possible to do wonderful things. That is something to celebrate!
But
Don't let that ruin this day. Don't ask why those days were better. Instead, thank God for those days. Look back on them with joy for the goodness in them. But then look at today. Look for the goodness and the joys in today and...ENJOY them! Be thankful for them!
So for the last two weeks that has been my goal. It's so tempting to fall into bitterness. But, every time I find myself looking back with longing on past days I stop and thank God for those days. I thank Him for those friendships. I thank Him for that energy. I thank Him for those late nights and that freedom.
And then I thank Him for today. And I begin to list off the goodness here today. I thank Him for those blessed friendships that dynamically may have changed but in heart and soul have only grown stronger and more vibrant. I thank Him for the sun and flowers. I thank Him that I get to watch my son grow. I thank Him for quiet nights at home. I thank Him for my husband.
It's funny how when you thank God for the goodness then and follow that up with thanking Him for the goodness now, life becomes so much more alive. Bitterness and anger don't fill my heart, but rather songs and giggles and joy! These joys that God's given today may look different than the ones He gave us yesterday. The gifts we had last year may not be the gifts we have today.
But when we embrace the change and seek to thank God for the goodness here, we can look at the past with joy. We can look at today with joy. And tomorrow starts looking pretty good too.
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| Copyright 2016 Hannah Babiak Photography |
A final word.
Loneliness, hurt, and sorrow are very real things. I don't want to diminish that. I also don't want to make it sound like, "Hey girl, grow up and be happy with today. That'll solve your problems." It's not that easy. It's a process that takes time and consistency. In the beginning, finding today's goodness may feel hopeless. But like so much of this life it is a daily practice. God is a faithful Father. He will not let His child whither away in loneliness and despair. He loves you sister. He wants you to enjoy His good gifts today! But it's a life long journey. And His faithfulness is everlasting.
