House to Home

     As I lay here in bed, light from the eastern morning sun is gleaming in through the curtains of my room. My daughter is snuggled up close, breathing quietly, wrapped in her pink forest animal blanket that she burrows in while she sleeps. In the next room over, my son sleeps with a mountain of stuffed animals, his constant companions in the night. My husband left for work early this morning. He didn't quite beat the morning sun, as I could see him in the first rays of light getting ready for his day and leaning over to kiss me goodbye. And so I lay here, in the peace and quite, thinking and pondering the stillness, the coolness of morning, and the beauty of light. We have lived in this dwelling, this house, for over a month now. While it has been a wonderful month, it has also been so imperfect and marked by stress that, in moments of frustration, I have already wished this house away more than once. The hypocrisy of that fact is not lost on me. The woman who would be happy if only she had a house, standing in a house wishing it gone. But that was only a couple days, and for the vast majority of these days I have been happy, so very happy. I have been home.  

     Last night marked the first time that Lawrence, now 2-years-old, called this house home. He was looking at some library books and I was anxious to get him to Nilla's house so I wouldn't be late for class. He had told me he was looking at a book several times and I told him he had to come. He lifted up that voice like a lion and roared, "I staying HOME!" And then my heart melted and all my frustrations fled and I asked, "Is this house home?" Without looking at me he answered, "Yes," and kept reading. Until last night, this house was "new house" and our former apartment was "home." When we would leave anywhere he would asked me if we were going home or to the new house and I would gently tell him that new house is our home now.  But my words could not persuade him. Home was home and new house was simply new house.  When the word "home" came from his lips, it was as if my whole idea of this house changed. The moving dust finally settled and my heart relaxed into these walls. This is our home. The place where we gather together. Our home base for life. We go from here. We come back to here. This is home for all of us.

    To my mama heart, this place could not be home until it was home to my little boy. Those words off his tongue were like the king's seal, the official word, the commencement of our days here at home. These walls will hold many tears and laughs. Many stories will be lived and told. This house will grow us and watch as we grow up. This is home. We start here. 

When your baby turns two.......

Yesterday was my son Lawrence's 2nd birthday and it's left me feeling amazed about life and time and growth and oh-my-my-word-I've-been-a-mom-for-two-years! 

You think you can calculate time, count it by days, determine which stages will begin at what times, and then, BAM! life hits you with a date that makes you want to throw all those calculations out the window because, "No way has it been that long!" 

That's basically how I've felt all weekend, because on one hand I feel like Lawrence has to at least be 6 based on the amount of time he's been my kid, and on the other hand, every time he tells me he's two and holds up three fingers (working on that) I can't believe that we wasn't born just a couple weeks ago.  

This life is beautiful, and long, and fast, and crazy normal, and I love it. Lawrence was my baby who made me question whether I could love life, love being a mom, and love him well enough. When he came into this world all my former ideas and ideals about being a mom shot straight out the window and left me feeling more raw and vulnerable than I had ever felt in my entire life. For months, I felt like life had been ripped right out from under me and I would never find my way back. Truth is, two years later, I love being a mom. I love this new life. But I had to realize that I was never going to go back to that pre-Lawrence person. My whole life changed and it was awful for a while. But now I don't see that change as awful anymore. I've grown. My capacity has been stretch to new limits and what was once completely impossible is now possible, even normal. Gosh, I still end up in a puddle of tears on a regular basis, but as my son has grown, so have I. And in the midst of it all, God has been infinitely good to us both. 

Which brings me to this past weekend. We had a small party.... *cough* (small being 40 people cause that's just how we roll), to celebrate Lawrence's birthday and the whole day I felt like it was a party for me just as much as it was for him. (Part of that could be the amount of donuts involved) It was like I got to sit back and celebrate turning two all over again because really, it was my second mommy birthday and that's amazing to me! Two years ago I could not imagine making it this far (and having another baby on top of that...Ha!). But by the grace of God, and I mean A LOT of grace, here we are. Lawrence turned two. Mommy me turned two. And boy did we celebrate. 

Celebrate

That's an important word in this life. It's easy to feel like this word can only be associated with the big things. The major milestones. The kind of things that make people stop and pay attention. But sometimes we need to just celebrate those milestones in our own lives. This weekend, we all celebrated my sons birthday, but I also took a few moments here and there to celebrate this milestone in my life. Being a mom has been a huge struggle for me. It hasn't been easy. There have been moments I've resented it. But God has been faithful to me even in my mothering and he is daily teaching me to love my children, to be patient with them, to speak gently, to respond rather than react, and to show them what love looks like. It has been a very imperfect last two years, but here I am, two years into it, and I can finally say I love it. And that is something to celebrate. 

You have something to celebrate too.

Think about your life. Notice areas where you have grown. Acknowledge those areas and celebrate them. Don't be embarrassed to celebrate even the smallest milestones. Remember that God works in mighty ways but even more so he works in the little day to day things to accomplish his purposes in our lives.

So celebrate. Eat a donut. Make a toast. 

Celebrate

So many donuts! 96 to be exact. Best idea ever!

Somebody was extremely exhausted after partying it up all day. ;)

We have the best of times together. 

And....just because chubby baby cuteness is the best! I could just eat this little thing.